Thursday, April 05, 2007 / 6:16 PM
CONFESSION OF A FAILURE
I dun really noe what has come over me
but I am really depressed, totally depressed throughout the whole week
i think i am really burning out soon
so please pardon wat i am gonna to say
in the following post
I wanted to post this post up since last night
but was simply too tired after i came home from school
took a bath, had dinner and then went to bed straight
I think I am on the verge of breaking down pretty soon
there was so many times this week in schhol
that i almost wanted to cry
but was lucky enough to hold back my tears
I am just not in the condition to do anything now
My studies is totally bad, did horribly for so many of my papers
and screwed up so many of my tests
I tried to console myself that i am just stll inside the hols mood
but I know it is of no use
3rd week of Term 2 already, it's 3rd week nowgoing to the fourth soon
yet, I am still trying to say i am within the hols mood???
I think I should just stop denying to myself
cos self denial is no good for one
definitely.
I screwed up my Chemistry SPA on tues
which i horribly had no idea how to do the planning and stuff
Wednesday, I got back my physics test paper
I only scraped thru with 10/20
Everyone said that it was a simple paper
My classmates scored like on the average of 16 to 20,
with a handful of full marks
Thursady, I had e-maths test
I stared at the questions for such a long time
and i did not know how to do all the transformation questions
I left several questions undone and handed up my paper
That's why i am rather confident that i will fail this test.
This was how terrible i perform accademically for my Term 2 studies
Sometimes, I just hate the feeling of akwardness between you and me
i really dun noe whether you are a fiend to me
or a stranger whom i totally dun noe
We meet everyday in the morning to do the normal ritual stuff
yet, we actually did not talked to each other at all
till yesterday afternoon
The type of cold shoulder you gave me each time
makes me really shudder
i seriously dun understand the type of relationship that is between us
Many a times, i told myserlf to ignore everything and just fulfill my part will do
but Many a times, the sense of guilt overwhelms in me
when i see that you ppl are actually facing problems in the process
Many a times, i convinced myself so hardly
to go and help you all
but i know
Many a times, i am going to be hurt by you again
I dun noe how to say this but
You can be extreme nice to me when you really need my help
If not, you will usually let me fade into the background
treating me as though i am did not exsist in the first place
I hate the treatment you give me
I hate the distance that is between you and me
I hate myself more because we are drifting apart so soon
Perhaps all the while, it is just my fault
that i did not do my part well in maintaining this collapsing friendship
Or perhaps, all the while
our friendship did not even started......
Mid-year is going to start in 3 weeks time
I really dun noe how to survive thru this time
i am afraid I will break down and fall apart
I am hurt phsically and mentally
and i think
i am sinking
deeper and deeper into the depression